asimaiyat: If you're in trouble, and no one else can help, and you can find them, maybe you can hire Leverage! (w/ whole team) (Default)
[personal profile] asimaiyat
Title: "The Kobold Job"
Author: Asimaiyat
Rating: PG for language and imaginary violence
Genre: Gen, humor
Spoilers: none
Summary: One hotel room, five teammates, several hours to kill... hey, kids, let's put on a Dungeons & Dragons campaign! (obviously, this is all Hardison's fault.)

A/N: There was supposed to be a part two for this, but the funny kept eluding me, so this is what you get. It's not like it's a cliffhanger or anything.

"Dungeons and Dragons? Isn't that a little, I dunno...?"

"Hey, give me a chance to explain my stroke of genius, here. Listen: it's eight o'clock in Manhattan. We're still on West Coast time, so it feels like five, and we're due on the job at six a.m. tomorrow morning. We're all keyed up, tensions are running high, and let's face it, this group does not have the most impressive collection of healthy coping mechanisms. I just know that if we disperse for the evening, by the time six rolls around, one of us is going to be nursing a hangover, one of us will have at best a black eye, and at least one of us will have a shiny new mark on the old arrest record. So out of the goodness of my heart, I'm offering to run a game for y'all. You know, to keep you off the streets."

Parker giggled and Eliot snorted, but Nate looked thoughtful. "Hardison's actually got a good point. If nothing else, there's the risk of getting made if we go out tonight. If anyone recognizes any of us, all of our covers are as good as blown. So that means we're staying in tonight."

A sort of sulk settled over the hotel room; at least, everyone but Hardison. It was like they were a bunch of kids who'd been denied a treat.

"And this book I got in the airport is really dreadful," said Sophie.

"... and there's nothing on TV. Except for Pay Per View," replied Eliot grudgingly. "Lemme see those books."

Hardison handed over the Players' Handbook, holding on to the Dungeon Masters' Guide for himself. "Man, you guys are going to love this. It's got action, adventure, mystery... when I was a kid, I wanted to be in an adventuring party when I grew up."

"Looks like you got your wish," Eliot replied, flipping through the pages. "Forming a party, assigning roles, tactical combat positioning, stealing treasure... it all looks pretty familiar."

Parker peered over his shoulder. "Treasure? We get to hunt for treasure?"

"Whole rooms full of it. While helping the helpless and righting the wrongs of the kingdom, of course." Hardison shot a look at Nate, who laughed.

"Alright, I'm in. You guys okay with this?"

"Yes," said Parker.

"What the hell," said Eliot.

"If you insist," said Sophie. "So what do we have to do first?"

"First you have to choose what kind of character to play. Think about what kind of role you want to play in the team -- I mean, the party."

"Oooh. I want to be the one who beats up all the bad guys. And gets to barge in through the front door looking all tough all the time."

"Sure, Parker, you can be the fighter. That means you need high strength and constitution, so you're hard to kill. You don't need as much intelligence or charisma for that job, but you need to get out in front and keep your teammates from taking too much damage. They're squishy."

"Have fun with that," muttered Eliot.

"So what do you want to be, then?"

"How about the guy who stays in the back and does a bunch of mumbo-jumbo that nobody understands, and then shit blows up? That sounds like a pretty easy job."

"Ah, the wizard. A very fine choice."

"Wizard? Seriously?"

"Hey, you asked for it."

Sophie thought for a minute and then smiled mischievously. "Could I be the tragically noble leader, who tries to keep everyone on the same track and makes sure that they finish their missions and don't just run off with the treasure?"

"Ah, the Paladin. It's a tough class to master as a beginner, but I think you'll be good at it."

"Awww, you think I'm a paladin?"

"No, Sophie's character is a paladin. What makes you think she's playing you, man? And who are you going to be, anyway?"

"I guess I'll be the thief who sneaks into locked rooms in the dead of night and can smuggle a magic item out of the city before anyone even notices someone was there."

"Perfect, we have a rogue! I guess our party is complete, then. I'll help you make your character sheets, and then we'll start the adventure."

"Wait," frowned Sophie. "I feel like... we're missing something."

"You mean like a cultured, charismatic performer who handles all the talking and social situations?"


"Actually, bards are kind of useless in this edition. Sorry, baby."

"So what do we do if we need to smooth-talk anyone? I hardly think anyone here --"

"Well, I mean... it's not unheard of for a wizard to be pretty smooth. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'."

"You don't think the Paladin can handle social situations? It says here that it takes high intelligence and charisma. I like to think I have --"

"Nate," said Sophie, placing her hand across his wrist. "The paladin is not you. Really, you don't have to take everything so personally..."

"Absolutely not." Hardison had taken out the sheaf of character sheets and was labeling each one with a player's name and character class. "Nothing personal going on here at all. Now we're going to assign attribute scores. Nice, impersonal attribute scores that have nothing to do with anyone here whatsoever. Think we can do that, team? I mean, party?"

Eliot smirked. "Party on."


asimaiyat: If you're in trouble, and no one else can help, and you can find them, maybe you can hire Leverage! (w/ whole team) (Default)

December 2013

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